Well it finally happened. It's finally over. It is done. He is upset, angry, annoyed, confused. I am...numb. It is the right thing to have happened. I was expecting it to take longer than this. I am sad for him, I still care for him, but I am also glad of being able to shake him off now. His life is....his. Not ours, anymore. Several things have happened to him this week, none of which I know the actual details - but I don't want to know. I don't want to care. I want to be me, to be selfish, to worry and care about myself. That is it. I am sorry it didn't work out. But I am not sorry for myself. It is the right thing to do.
I am scared though. I am truly alone now. I know I always was...at least the past few months. But now I'm really doing this thing, living this life, on my own. It is partly exciting, partly scary. It is the right time. I am strong enough now.
Sunday 11 November 2007
Sunday 4 November 2007
A warning sign...
I've had this image in my head for a while now, of who I want to end up with. He's tall and lean, dark and maybe hairy. He's called Joe and I love him deeply and with certainty.
I want to find my Joe. I don't think I ever will. Maybe D and versions of him are all I shall ever find, maybe the way I am with D is the way I am to be with every lover. Maybe all my loves will end like this - with pain and guilt and uncertainties. Maybe all my loves will start with joy and excitement and will all too soon peter out into antipathy and regret. Maybe I'll never truly 'know' that someone is right for me. Maybe I'll always fuck it up, always be disappointed, always run away. I care for D massively, I want him to be okay, I feel so responsible for him.
I read something a few weeks ago about someone with massively disabling impairments. There was no prospect of any 'normal' life, of finding a career and a partner and doing all the things we take for granted. It made me think immediately that perhaps I am being selfish, perhaps I should shut up and be grateful for what I have. I have found a boy that loves me - really loves me. He would do anything for me. Yet I don't want him - I don't love him. What is wrong with me?
Can I be grateful for having had that, for having had the wondrous moments, but still leave him? Will I have a right to feel lonely then? Will I have a right to complain? I don't think so. But then I am a harsh judge I think, and a harsh critic. I don't know why I am like that to myself - I am incredibly supportive of other people's decisions. The women in my life can see clearly and have told me that they know D's wrong for me. So why do I feel so bound to him? I feel I should keep him for our future, but that future feels so far away, it's like I'm forgoing all the things I am doing and could be doing now, in the present, for an idea of a relationship ten years down the line
All this is so boring, I'm just saying the same things over and again, every entry.
I want to find my Joe. I don't think I ever will. Maybe D and versions of him are all I shall ever find, maybe the way I am with D is the way I am to be with every lover. Maybe all my loves will end like this - with pain and guilt and uncertainties. Maybe all my loves will start with joy and excitement and will all too soon peter out into antipathy and regret. Maybe I'll never truly 'know' that someone is right for me. Maybe I'll always fuck it up, always be disappointed, always run away. I care for D massively, I want him to be okay, I feel so responsible for him.
I read something a few weeks ago about someone with massively disabling impairments. There was no prospect of any 'normal' life, of finding a career and a partner and doing all the things we take for granted. It made me think immediately that perhaps I am being selfish, perhaps I should shut up and be grateful for what I have. I have found a boy that loves me - really loves me. He would do anything for me. Yet I don't want him - I don't love him. What is wrong with me?
Can I be grateful for having had that, for having had the wondrous moments, but still leave him? Will I have a right to feel lonely then? Will I have a right to complain? I don't think so. But then I am a harsh judge I think, and a harsh critic. I don't know why I am like that to myself - I am incredibly supportive of other people's decisions. The women in my life can see clearly and have told me that they know D's wrong for me. So why do I feel so bound to him? I feel I should keep him for our future, but that future feels so far away, it's like I'm forgoing all the things I am doing and could be doing now, in the present, for an idea of a relationship ten years down the line
All this is so boring, I'm just saying the same things over and again, every entry.
Friday 2 November 2007
It's time to throw away your doubt...
Beginning to flirt with the incredibly bad and stupid idea of going on a date. Whilst I have a boyfriend. One whom I never see, love but am not in love with, and whom I am with mostly out of guilt. But it is still a terribly dangerous idea.
S. has just surprised me by telling me she would do it, to chase any chance of fun and happiness. I expected judgement from her, so it's a pleasing response - pleasing because it makes me feel less guilty, not because I think she's right.
I feel a large amount of responsibility for D's heart. I have broken it once before. I am starting to know I shall again, but it is scary to contemplate doing that any time soon.
I have been lax in all things this week. I shall use this weekend to get back on track with university. And try to think sensibly about D. I am not the kind of girl to have an affair, but I need to start making some decisions (although having just typed that, I can hear my mother's voice echoing in my mind - "you don't have to make any decision! Do what you like! It's your life! Sod D, he's lucky to have had you even this long!". And there is a part of me that hopes she's right, that thinks she could be.
It's about taking that gamble again. That gamble of 'will anyone ever truly like me?'. With my snoring and my arse and my loudness and my insecurities and my craziness.
Am I going to take that gamble?
S. has just surprised me by telling me she would do it, to chase any chance of fun and happiness. I expected judgement from her, so it's a pleasing response - pleasing because it makes me feel less guilty, not because I think she's right.
I feel a large amount of responsibility for D's heart. I have broken it once before. I am starting to know I shall again, but it is scary to contemplate doing that any time soon.
I have been lax in all things this week. I shall use this weekend to get back on track with university. And try to think sensibly about D. I am not the kind of girl to have an affair, but I need to start making some decisions (although having just typed that, I can hear my mother's voice echoing in my mind - "you don't have to make any decision! Do what you like! It's your life! Sod D, he's lucky to have had you even this long!". And there is a part of me that hopes she's right, that thinks she could be.
It's about taking that gamble again. That gamble of 'will anyone ever truly like me?'. With my snoring and my arse and my loudness and my insecurities and my craziness.
Am I going to take that gamble?
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