This love making is...damn heartbreaking

I have been crying a lot lately. At nothing at all, at the smallest things. It comes upon me suddenly and if I'm with people I have to remove myself, I can't swallow it down and save it for later. Sadness consumes me, it swirls in a hurricane of tears around me, lasting for moments or hours. I can listen to the opening bars of a song, or think fleetingly of something in the past, or hear vulnerability in my voice and woooosh, it's there and I can't escape it. I am not usually this raw.
On Friday it happened twice. First as I voiced a little of my frustrations at university, I felt the fizziness in the nose, my speech faltering, my eyes stinging. I had to stop talking and let E rage against somethingorother so that nobody would notice. Then as I walked home I was listening to happy-in-love songs and suddenly I was sobbing, I felt my heart was breaking, and it was all I could do to keep walking. Thankfully my scarf protected any anticipated judgement from passers by. Yesterday it happened whilst watching a tragic, beautiful love story, I cried and cried. Not for the story, but for myself. Today it was as I was sleepily horny, luxuriating in the quietness, before I got any further than fantasising I was in tears, waves of anxiety hit me one after the other.

I am in a strange sort of love. I don't understand it and I wish I didn't have it. I shouldn't have asked D to come back to me. I should have been wise, I should have accepted my loneliness. The simplest way I have come to think of things is...I am not happy in my relationship. But I cannot leave him, because I cannot bear to hurt him so much all over again. But what does that mean? Am I to be a martyr to myself, am I to live a lifetime of unhappiness just so I don't break his heart again? I am terrified of being alone - truly alone. But I have realised that I already feel that way. Being in this relationship is the loneliest of all, because the one person I should be able to speak to about anything - I can't.
I am beginning to wonder if I shall ever be happy in a long-term relationship. Whether I have the capacity to live a life with someone else and to enjoy that life. I am not so sure now. I have inherited the best and worst of my mother. I have inherited strong feminism, but also a type of feminism-led madness or hashness, I think. I don't want to end up in the kind of place she is with my dad. They're happy but utterly miserable. I don't want that, and I can see that happening with D - in some respects we're already there. I have never been one to idolise men, I have never put them on pedestals, I have always been the supporter of women. I find men endlessly disappointing. But despite all this, the whole reason I am staying with D and am so terrified of leaving him, is because I'm scared to be alone. I want to find the right one. I want to just know someone is right, rather than this constant doubting. I do want somebody. And I have D, totally and absolutely. But he is not the right one. So what do I do? Sacrifice what I know deep inside for the sake of not hurting him and for not dying alone?
Something else that is involved in this decision is of course self-doubt. Am I really beautiful? Am I really worth falling for? Me, with my craziness and tactlessness and laziness and clumsiness and complete lack of sophistication? Can I bear to leave him, to risk the fact that he may be the only one that will ever love me?

Back to school

I am ill today. I have a pretty impressive cold, and have not stepped out of my bed since getting into it 18 hours ago. It is now almost 3pm and my stomach is starting to make its presence felt but I'm putting off venturing downstairs. I was supposed to go to uni today to pick up an emergency loan (as my student loan hasn't come through, because the student loans company are predictably but astoundingly useless). I would have perhaps managed it if I had the bus fare, but I don't, and it's a four mile, hour-long walk which is not feasible when my head is so heavy and puffy I shouldn't be seen for fear of scaring children.
Monday was the start of my second year at university. My first lecture was interesting but did not fill me with excitement. The module is The Global Citizen in Education and shall pick up, I am sure. There are some interesting ideas floating around. Tuesday was Values and/in Education and I finally got excited to be back. It is taught by a lecturer I hadn't encountered before but who is captivating, amusing and got us to think. It was a basic introduction into the definition of what we mean by Values, and what we mean by Education. It was also an overview of how our societal changes affect Education, from the dark ages to the age of reason, from theism to post modernism. Fascinating stuff, and a module I am very glad to be doing.
Yesterday was my first Disability Studies seminar, we are going to be doing a lot of work for our Effective Practice module this year. I am slightly intimidated, but I am also sure I shall muddle through.
I desperately, desperately want to do well with my degree. I want a First, though don't really believe I shall get it. No matter how hard I work, I tend to be a B grade student. I always feel I am missing something, that I am simply not getting a key point in the whole academic process. I feel that way socially as well, to be honest. That everyone likes and knows each other a little more than they like and know me. That I am somehow intrinsically dumb about the whole friendship process. I cannot relax, when I meet people. I like meeting people, but I cannot relax when I interact with them. I can feel them judging me, I can feel my regret in 5 minutes time having said something stupid. I just generally feel I am not getting it, whatever 'it' may be, in all parts of my life.

Should I talk about D now? Do I want to depress myself further today? I shall perhaps come back later.