Beginning to flirt with the incredibly bad and stupid idea of going on a date. Whilst I have a boyfriend. One whom I never see, love but am not in love with, and whom I am with mostly out of guilt. But it is still a terribly dangerous idea.
S. has just surprised me by telling me she would do it, to chase any chance of fun and happiness. I expected judgement from her, so it's a pleasing response - pleasing because it makes me feel less guilty, not because I think she's right.
I feel a large amount of responsibility for D's heart. I have broken it once before. I am starting to know I shall again, but it is scary to contemplate doing that any time soon.
I have been lax in all things this week. I shall use this weekend to get back on track with university. And try to think sensibly about D. I am not the kind of girl to have an affair, but I need to start making some decisions (although having just typed that, I can hear my mother's voice echoing in my mind - "you don't have to make any decision! Do what you like! It's your life! Sod D, he's lucky to have had you even this long!". And there is a part of me that hopes she's right, that thinks she could be.
It's about taking that gamble again. That gamble of 'will anyone ever truly like me?'. With my snoring and my arse and my loudness and my insecurities and my craziness.
Am I going to take that gamble?
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