A warning sign...

I've had this image in my head for a while now, of who I want to end up with. He's tall and lean, dark and maybe hairy. He's called Joe and I love him deeply and with certainty.
I want to find my Joe. I don't think I ever will. Maybe D and versions of him are all I shall ever find, maybe the way I am with D is the way I am to be with every lover. Maybe all my loves will end like this - with pain and guilt and uncertainties. Maybe all my loves will start with joy and excitement and will all too soon peter out into antipathy and regret. Maybe I'll never truly 'know' that someone is right for me. Maybe I'll always fuck it up, always be disappointed, always run away. I care for D massively, I want him to be okay, I feel so responsible for him.
I read something a few weeks ago about someone with massively disabling impairments. There was no prospect of any 'normal' life, of finding a career and a partner and doing all the things we take for granted. It made me think immediately that perhaps I am being selfish, perhaps I should shut up and be grateful for what I have. I have found a boy that loves me - really loves me. He would do anything for me. Yet I don't want him - I don't love him. What is wrong with me?
Can I be grateful for having had that, for having had the wondrous moments, but still leave him? Will I have a right to feel lonely then? Will I have a right to complain? I don't think so. But then I am a harsh judge I think, and a harsh critic. I don't know why I am like that to myself - I am incredibly supportive of other people's decisions. The women in my life can see clearly and have told me that they know D's wrong for me. So why do I feel so bound to him? I feel I should keep him for our future, but that future feels so far away, it's like I'm forgoing all the things I am doing and could be doing now, in the present, for an idea of a relationship ten years down the line
All this is so boring, I'm just saying the same things over and again, every entry.